UPDATE I (36M) have refused to go to the future wedding of my now ex wife (37F) and it’s really affecting the relationship with our kids.
A Reddit user faced a heartbreaking dilemma—his ex-wife, who left him for another woman, invited him to be the best man at her wedding. His refusal caused a rift with their children, especially his eldest daughter, who was deeply upset. But after finally opening up to her, the conversation took an unexpected turn—she came out to him, fearing his reaction because of how he responded to the wedding.
With emotions running high, he reassured her of his love, and they began mending their bond. Meanwhile, he and his ex-wife reached an understanding, but his younger children still won’t speak to him. Read the original story below…
‘ UPDATE I (36M) have refused to go to the future wedding of my now ex wife (37F) and it’s really affecting the relationship with our kids.’
So I basically thought I’d be best to reach out to my daughter so I messaged her along the lines of “hey, I know you’re not talking to me now but I think we really need to talk.” To my surprise, she agreed and came over very quickly. Basically I said to her that as she’s an adult, I won’t sugar coat things now –
I’m really not in a good place and her mum getting married to her girlfriend and asking me to be best man is a bit too much for me when I’m struggling to move on with my life. She said she sort of understands but it hit her close to home – she then came out to me as a Lesbian herself!
She said she’s known for a while now (she told her mum/my ex a while ago but wasn’t sure how to tell me) and because of the way I reacted to the wedding, she was worried I wouldn’t be able to accept it. I reassured her that I love her dearly and I’m proud of her for being honest with me,
and stressed the way I feel about her mum and her now fiancée is nothing to do with the fact they’re lesbians but because she’s my ex wife and I can’t just turn my feelings off like that – I’d feel exactly the same if her mum was marrying a dude. We hugged it out, and she said she’d talk to her brother’s and see if she can get them to come around – because they live with mum and see the fiancée often,
they see her and love her a lot so they don’t understand. I said to her I can’t promise I’d go to the wedding eventually but if I feel up to it I may try but it will he hard for me. While she was here, she facetimed her mum from her phone and I got chance to talk to my ex.
I basically was honest, said I feel like she blindsided me and sprung it on me without thinking about how I feel – especially putting me on the spot about making me her best man, I said the invitation to the wedding was one thing but that was a bit too much for me.
She took it all in and apologised, and admitted it’s because she’s all loved up and her family are giving her all the platitudes about how happy and proud they are so she got caught up in the moment. She asked me how I feel about it now. I said in all honesty, it’s a bit too much to consider at the moment but I definitely am not going to be her best man regardless.
She understands, and said she won’t expect that of me. But if I didn’t want to go to the wedding itself, would I be interested in going to just the reception? I said in all honesty I don’t know if I can. And she shouldn’t expect me to. She agreed and said she’ll leave it to me and will try to understand if I can but would be made up if I can.
The boys were there so I asked if she could put them on but they didn’t wanna talk to me. Honestly, that feels like a punch in the balls so I left it there before it started me crying and she saw it, and let the daughter leave so I could be on my own – I’ve never liked her to see me too emotional especially cry. So there you have it. We’ve all “made peace” as such but there’s a long way to go yet.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Ratlarbig − Good for you for standing up for yourself. You have no obligation to participate in the wedding, or even to attend.
[Reddit User] − She cheated and left you for her affair partner. Being a lesbian is irrelevant to the situation. Ef her.. Edit: Thank you for the awards!
bored_of_this_now − I commend you for standing your ground and making yourself heard and I am so glad you and your daughter have worked it out and hopefully your sons will come around with a chat from her, too. Don’t be afraid to let her see you cry and see you have emotions too though.
It’s already caught you out once when all this started, because she didn’t even think that dad could have his own emotions and feelings about this wedding. I wish you all the luck and I really hope it all works out for you.
playerknowmore − How many times does she want to break your heart. Doesn’t sound like you wanted a divorce, but you set her free to find her true self. Now she wants you to participate in her wedding; how amicable do you have to be.
How selfish does she have to be to basically ask for your blessing. I wonder if she were marrying a man would she ask you this. The only good thing about this is how you handled your daughter coming out.
lsmuckle − First, I want to say that I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I read your first post, and I cannot believe people were telling you to go. Honestly, no one on this earth could convince me that you should go to this. It’s clearly to soon for you.
Your ex was completely out of line for asking you. How can she honestly have NO empathy for her “best friend”? How would she feel if her current fiancé asked her to do the same thing to her? Her being a lesbian doesn’t absolve her from cheating on you.
I think about it like this. She changed both of y’all’s world. She had someone else to go towards. She had the children. Her world only improved. Yours on the other hand, was destroyed. She should have more respect for that. She should have more respect for your feelings.
When people say do it for kids, they missed the mark on this one. This wedding isn’t about the kids. It’s about her and her new wife. It’s a celebration of her and her new wife. A celebration that you and her once shared. You don’t know how you are going to feel if you go there. Those feelings may bubble up at the wrong time.
I understand where she is coming from as well. You are her best friend and she loves and cares for you. She probably feels guilty about how you feel, and that makes her want you to be ok. When you aren’t ok, it reminds her that your hurt. And she caused that hurt. But, that’s her burden to bare, not yours. She shouldn’t have put you in this position at all. I would keep being honest, and draw strong boundaries.
Not just about the wedding. Draw boundaries about trying to hook you up with people as well. Tell her you are NOT ok, and that is ok. It is normal to be hurt. Her current actions are hurting you MORE. She is adding to the hurt that you have to work through, and that is not fair!! Please please please take time to not be ok. Be a mess, and know that it is a part of the process.. I wish you well!!!
RogerStoned1994 − Time to take a look at your custody agreement if you have one. She doesn’t get to end your marriage and then take the kids completely because they’ve been poisoned against you. Stand up for yourself man, life will get better in time.
[Reddit User] − Cheaters just seem to have this ideal in their head that whatever ruin they leave in their wake, as long as they are happy why shouldn’t the rest of the world be? To OP, you do not have to go and I would actually recommend that you don’t. It’s good that you have at least an amicable relationship with your ex, but amicable does not mean “we are friends”,
it means “you are in my life because I have no choice so I will keep things civil”. The sooner your ex comes to terms with that, the easier it will be for you to move on past this. That she is using your kids to get her way just shows that she is far from being able to reconcile the pain she visited on your life.
At least now you have your daughter in a position where she understands where you are coming from – but as far as your ex’s wedding and reception, hell I’d stay as far away from that as humanly possible. Pass on your best wishes if you feel the need but there is nothing to stop you from letting it pass unremarked.. No one will think less of you. Please look after yourself though and I hope your recovery from this is not impeded.
alicearjung − Your ex wife moving on and inviting you as the BEST MAN to the wedding seems like a slap in the face, whether it was her intention or not. I think you deserve your time to process and heal on your own terms!
TeezilyComArSCAMMERS − Don’t take this the wrong way, but what a bunch of disappointing kids. Sheesh. You get cheated on, and yet your daughter finds a way to make it about herself, making you a homophobe in her head.. it’s nice that she eventually listened to reason, but still. And your sons don’t wanna talk to you.. why? You did nothing wrong. What a bunch of sad sacks of s**t.
Honestly if these were my children, I’d probably stop trying to be their father. They could go have fun with their cheater mother. I’d be done. You got cheated on and yet everybody just brushes past that like you’re not also a human being with feelings. What a bunch of inconsiderate assholes. So perhaps start showing more emotion around them. Maybe if they see you cry they’ll realize how f**king ridiculous they’ve been.
Reclaimingmydays − Atheist here but I am actually going to point out that the marriage vows say ‘forsaking all others’ not ‘forsaking all other men but women are ok’. She broke her word, acted in secret and deceived you by having an affair and that didn’t change because she was finding a new s**ual orientation
I think you need to set out your position very clearly for friends family and your ex. And for you too. I suspect they are all hopped up on her finding her ‘true’ self etc and secretly some suspect your male pride is dented because she left you for a woman.
Instead you need to gather your feelings together and *write it down* to achieve clarity. The following might be a sort of draft which won’t hit exactly how you are feeling but might give an example… I am very happy that X and Y have found each other and wish them all the best in their future together. Those are sincerely meant words said with absolute truth.
At the same time, as what happened in _____, was revealed, do remember that at that time i went through a very unhappy experience. I experienced the unpleasant experience of being cheated on and deceived . Even if X and Y’s experience was the beginnings of a happy path for them to their better place, there was the other side to the coin which was my experience *at that time* which was unhappy.
If this were a heterosexual relationship I think it would be very unlikely any of you would expect me to be the best man at a wedding to the person my ex wife committed a**ltery with, even with possibly the best motivation possible. The fact that new partner is a woman does not take away from the hurt I felt at that time which was not to do with her being a woman but that I had been cheated on.
So the good news is we are past it and they have a happy future together and they have all of my blessings and best wishes and I mean that sincerely. At the same time, remember it did hurt, and the last thing I want to do is have that stand any chance of resurfacing on their happy day. I am a welll wishing participant but I think there is a natural cut off point for me in terms of level of involvement.
Now that I have explained that, let us close this chapter and focus on a happy future for all of us… Or whatever variant of that works for you. I think it is really important to put it in writing so that the children and family and ex wife can reflect on it for a day or two.
Verbal conversations lose focus and people tend to start nodding along to whatever you are saying while really reverting to their pre established theories of you having dented male pride or whatever. Let people read and reflect without engaging in two way dialogue face to face.
Hand deliver it and just say, I’ve written down how I personally feel to try and make it really clear and not get lost in conversation. Please read it when you have a quiet moment and know before you open it they have my blessing.. Good luck..
He’s made progress in healing his relationship with his daughter, but his younger children still refuse to talk to him. Should he give them space or push for a conversation? And should he attend the wedding, even just the reception, for the sake of his kids? Share your thoughts below!