I (36M) have refused to go to the future wedding of my now ex wife (37F) and it’s really affecting the relationship with our kids.
A Reddit user is struggling with an impossible situation—his ex-wife, who left him for another woman, is now engaged and wants him to be her best man at the wedding. While they’ve managed to maintain a friendly co-parenting relationship, he can’t bring himself to attend the wedding, let alone stand by her side.
However, his refusal has deeply upset their three children, who are now giving him the cold shoulder. Torn between his own pain and his children’s happiness, he doesn’t know what to do. Read the original story below…
‘ I (36M) have refused to go to the future wedding of my now ex wife (37F) and it’s really affecting the relationship with our kids.’
So we’ve been married 15 years, together longer and have 3 kids – she has a daughter from her first relationship who’s now 18 (I class her as mine, I’ve done everything for her) and we have a 16 year old and a 13 year old sons.
Now she was up front and honest when we got together that she was bi and it was never an issue last year until she said she thought she was ultimately a lesbian and had fallen in love with her now fiancé (35F) and it led to a divorce as I was unwilling to open the relationship or consider a poly situation. So we’ve been divorced a year, although we’re still friends and have a good co-parenting relationship.
Even though we’re good, I still am suffering and can’t say I’m even close to moving on yet. The kids live with her primarily although I see them multiple times a week and can say if I didn’t have them, I’d have nothing. So basically I got a call from my ex earlier on in the week saying she had to tell me something.
That she’s now engaged! I was shocked as f**k! Basically she said they’re not going to do the typical thing and have a long engagement, they’re looking at getting married as soon as lockdown has been lifted and they’re on about moving in together as soon as possible. And there’s more.
She said she wants to have me as her “best man” as she still considers me her best friend and can’t think of anyone else she’d rather have there! Suffice to say I told her I wasn’t happy with it and said I’m not going to be her best man or don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be at the wedding! And definitely don’t like the idea of moving someone in around my kids after a year.
Now my kids love the fiancé – my kids are always talking about her. Suffice to say she was upset and we haven’t spoken since. I mean if that was just it, then I wouldn’t be that upset – I mean in what way does going to a wedding seeing my wife marry the woman who she left me for seems like a good idea?! And to be the best man!
My kids found out though (somehow) are really upset – my daughter particularly really went off and said she thought I was better than that and if I don’t go to the wedding, she’ll never talk to me again. The youngest 2 don’t want to come and see me this week and also have refused to talk to me.
I’m still close and have a relationship with my in laws and they’ve also have been on my case saying I should go, especially for my kids sake. Here’s where I need help (and someone to talk to). What do I do?
I mean the last thing I want to do is be false and go to a wedding watching the woman who I thought I’d be with forever marry someone else. Yet I hate the thought that my kids are suffering and the prospect of not having them in my life even if it’s for a short while, is like torture. Help!
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
1968Bladerunner − I get it… it took me 7 years to get over the hurt of my ex cheating before I felt able to pursue another LTR, so why she or anyone thinks you should be ‘dealing with it like a man’ after a year is insane IMO, especially after a 15 year relationship.
Your kids are old enough for you to tell them the truth about how you’re feeling, & how you’re unable to deal with her request this soon after the divorce. If they can’t accept your decision then maybe use analogies they can understand about their own lives. Ultimately stick by your guns – your mental health is more important, & it sounds like you need to focus on your healing right now.
hanky0898 − I also disagree with the others. Would you tell him to go if his ex wife asked him to be her best man if she was going to marry another guy? No? Then what us the difference. OP has no obligation to be part of his ex marrying someone else
heirloom_beans − It’s tough when your ex takes up with the person they left you for but your ex-wife clearly values you and sees you as an important person in her life. That’s why she wants you at your wedding as her best man. She’s not trying to rub her new relationship in your face but rather honour the relationship you have as two people who have cared for each other for almost two decades.
It sounds like you’re grieving your marriage and the pain is still raw. Ending a marriage is a *huge* adjustment and I think you owe it to yourself to seek out a professional therapist to talk things over with. A therapist who has experience with LGBTQ+ families and issues would be to your benefit. Have attending the wedding and supporting your ex in her new life as goals you want to work towards.
Tell your ex-wife that you won’t be her best man but you do want to be happy for her new life, you’re just not there quite yet. Let your ex know that you’re not planning on attending at this time but to keep a spot open for you in case you change your mind. Also consider attending the reception if the ceremony would be too rough on you.
That way you get to celebrate with your ex and your children while skipping what could be the toughest part. Ask if you can bring along a supportive plus one (male or female) who you can take aside and vent with—just make sure you’re out of earshot of your ex, her fiancée and your kids.
[Reddit User] − I disagree with the previous comments. You don’t have to go to a wedding when your ex dumped, and left with resolved emotional damage. The ex is either emotionally tone deaf or sadistic by suggesting you be the best man, probably the former. Her decision to jump into another marriage is a major red flag.
Here is problem it’s obvious someone is turning the kids against you. Either the new spouse who jumped into their lives or your ex. An adjusted adult would give you space To handle the situation, especially considering a getting married so soon after a divorce.
It normally takes three years to establish a new normal after a divorce. Your in a tough situation, you might lose kids over this. I suggest you attend but not be in the wedding party. Try to find a way to communicate with your kids that your still hurt and working to find a new normal.
[Reddit User] − The shear cognitive dissonance of these people. Holy crap!
misternizz − There’s a post on Reddit, somewhere, it’s at least a year old, where a man had his wife of 20 plus years decide she was actually gay all this time, and she had to be true to herself and leave him to be with the woman she had an affair with for two years. Everyone kept approaching the man and telling this man how *brave*, and *understanding* he was..
how much they *admired* him for being so *modern, allowing his wife to realize her true self.* It kind of hit a boiling point where the wife and fiance were present at a family event where they made this big speech thanking the soon to be ex husband for his *kindness* and *understanding*. They toasted him. he got up, took the microphone and said something to the effect of..
“*PLEASE stop saying how nice and understanding I am. I don’t understand ANYthing.. what I understand is my wife of 20 plus years, the mother of my children, committed a**ltery with another person.. and is now leaving me and expects me to be kind and understanding about it because the person she committed a**ltery with happens to be a woman. Well, I’m not.
I feel betrayed and sad and I really can’t stand talking about it any longer, so I’m going to say good night. Enjoy the food.* ” He left the event, drove home, blocked everyone and only spoke to her again via lawyers.
THIS, this right here, is why I advocate you don’t even attend the reception. Things will be a little raw for you going forward and this isn’t going to go well, especially if you’ve had a few drinks. Just your standard internet stranger advice, I know…
hornedangel73 − This situation just sucks. My heart goes out to you. I think you’ve taken the high road by remaining friends with your ex. What she isn’t getting, along with your children is that you are still heartbroken. Just because they are all good with the new situation it doesn’t mean that you are.
If you did go and participate, it would show your kids that once again you’re taking the high road. At the same time, I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to be there. I’m not sure if I could handle this situation.
[Reddit User] − She wants you to be Ross to her Carol. Don’t be Ross – ultimately no one liked him.
misternizz − Ouch, this is a terrible situation your ex wife has put you in. Your children are basically saying “do this thing you say is uncomfortable and traumatic for you, your feelings and emotional healing don’t matter to us a much as mom’s happiness”. Okay, that sounds harsh and simplistic, but that’s kind of it, isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong.
Your wife deserves happiness, and if she is as she says she is, would have been miserable moving forward in a marriage where she didn’t feel truthful about herself. HOWEVER!!!! You were the other party in that marriage. Your feelings were smashed. This was your life partner, or so you thought. You (as you yourself say) have not healed from this.
You didn’t get a say in this divorce, she just left you. You don’t get a say in her life going forward. Why should she (but more importantly your children) impose this situation on you? Don’t your feelings deserve ANY consideration? You don’t have infant children– they are old enough to hear your views on this and should be considerate enough NOT to insert themselves into their fathers’ pain.
It’s a very selfish thing your ex is trying to do here, and don’t think it really is what it is on face value. Much of this is PR.. for her to show off what a great, understanding relationship this all is, how (important!) YOU are on board with it, so cool and reasonable.. etc. etc. etc. It’s public relations, first and foremost.
Your kids don’t see it, because they are getting their mom’s view as being the only, true way of interpreting this wedding and your reaction doesn’t really deserve any consideration.Personally, I think you have handled the divorce correctly and maintained an amicable and respectful parenting partnership, but true friendship, when one of a couple decides to leave you for someone else?
That’s a HUGE ask. HUGE. For your own mental health, just keep things cordial and about those objective things you both must deal with, like finances and tuitions for the kids and scholarships. You don’t have to engage at any other level and it would ridiculous to assume you would wholeheartedly approve your wife wanting you to participate in her wedding IF SHE HAD LEFT YOU FOR A MAN.
This is just PR to show how “hip and reasonable” you really are. You certainly don’t HAVE to cooperate as her pet ex-husband. I don’t blame you for reacting like you do. This is just about the betrayal and a**ltery, really, I don’t care what s** the other person is.
FenrirHere − She isn’t deserving of you as her best man. Your children are being, well, children. They are just h**low threats I would say, and I wouldn’t worry about them distancing themselves from you. You do what makes you comfortable, you are not obligated to do anything for her now that you aren’t married and aren’t together.
Should he put aside his pain for the sake of his children, or is it unfair to expect him to attend the wedding of his ex-wife and the woman she left him for? What would you do in his shoes? Share your thoughts below!