Thinking about abandoning pregnant GF…

A Reddit user shares his emotional struggle after discovering that his unborn child has Down syndrome. While he was initially excited about fatherhood, the reality of raising a child with special needs has made him reconsider.

His girlfriend refuses an abortion, but he feels unprepared for the lifelong commitment and is contemplating leaving while still providing financial support. Now, he seeks advice on how to break the news to her without being manipulative or causing unnecessary pain. Read the original story below…

‘ Thinking about abandoning pregnant GF…‘

My GF is pregnant and I was really excited to be a dad when I first got the news. Problem is we went to prenatal screening and found out there is a high risk of Down syndrome. A follow up diagnostic test confirmed the baby has Down syndrome. I want an a**rtion because I am not prepared to raise a child with Down syndrome.

This is not me bashing Down syndrome people by the way, it’s just not something I’m prepared to do. My GF doesn’t want an a**rtion though so there’s nothing I can do about that. At this point I’m considering just ending the relationship. I’d pay whatever I’m required to by law, but otherwise move on with my life.

My GF obviously decides whether to take the pregnancy to term, but I feel like I have a right to leave given how immensely different a child with Down syndrome is as far as responsibilities and future grand children. Anyway, I’m asking for advice about how to break the news to my GF.

I obviously have to tell her ASAP so that she can make an informed decision. But I don’t want to come across as manipulative. I realise I’m coming across like a heartless p**ck here, but I genuinely care about my GF and want to do this in the best way possible for her emotionally

See what others had to share with OP:

brewend −  There’s no easy way about it just tell her as soon as possible so she can make an informed decision and to add to this make sure she understands that depending on the severity of the down syndrome she may have to care for the child **permanently** as there is a possibility that the child will never be independent

Sprogler −  I’m really sorry you’re in this situation, especially since this was an unplanned pregnancy to begin with. I just thought I’d comment with my own experiences. My younger brother has Down’s Syndrome and is now 25 years old. My parents split when he was about 3 and he lived with me and my mum.

My mum was an all around good soul. Had a tough life but took everything in her stride and always helped others and sent out positive energy. She was great with my brother and did a great job raising him (and me) as a single mother with very little involvement from my dad.

Unfortunately my mum passed away almost 10 years ago now, and since then I’ve been living alone and my brother went to live with my dad. My dad has his own problems but looks after my brother as best he can. The thing is, it really takes a toll on my dad who is now in his 60s.

I was also going through my mum’s old things recently looking for recipes and I found her old journal. I decided to read it and a lot of the stuff she wrote about was how tough it was coping with constantly looking after my brother. I was really surprised by this as on the surface she seemed to be doing fine.

For me it really highlighted that even the ‘perfect’ people who are super patient and appear to just be able to handle anything, can also be suffering in silence without anyone else knowing. One of my biggest fears is that someday when my dad passes away I’m going to be stuck with my brother… I don’t want kids of my own, let alone the responsibility of looking after a special needs adult.

I’ve basically already decided that when the time comes I’ll be putting my brother into a group home (or similar) but I definitely won’t be his full-time carer or anything like that. People will likely think I’m a bad brother or person for doing this (my dad certainly already thinks that) but ultimately we need to choose our own paths in life.

As has already been mentioned in the comments, most depictions of people with Down’s Syndrome in the media or news are not realistic. Yes, they are pure, and happy, and have big personalities. Some can be somewhat independent.

But in my experience, from both my brother and seeing other kids in groups my brother used to belong to, the reality is that the vast majority will need someone looking after them for the rest of their lives. If you’re honest with yourself and know that’s not the life you signed up for, I applaud your honesty and think you should have that difficult conversation with your girlfriend.

Throwawayyawaworht67 −  Hey OP, I’m a parent of a disabled child. Not DS, but another developmental disability. Parenting as a whole is a lifelong commitment, but typical children grow up, strive for independence, and leave as adults to live their own life. A child with a disability may never do so. We don’t know yet if our child will be capable of independent living.

When he was diagnosed, our hopes for a successful eventual career, a family of his own, all those normal desires parents have for their children- they were replaced with “I hope he’ll be able to communicate someday”, “I hope he’ll be able to wipe his own b**t someday”, “I hope we never have to place him into a group home”.

Parenting a disabled child is parenting with 100x more responsibilities. Our child’s weekly, sometimes daily, doctor and therapy appointments have prevented me from seeking my own career. Our life revolves around his needs. We can’t go to certain places, we plan grocery trips so he can stay home where he won’t be interrupted.

Want to go on a date with your spouse? Can’t hire a normal babysitter, we need a qualified respite care provider. We are lucky to have excellent insurance (USA), but I personally know families who have taken out second mortgages to finance the medical care for their disabled children. The financial strain is immense and unbelievable.

When the child reaches school age you can rest assured that it will be an uphill battle to make sure provisions are made so they have any chance at learning effectively. Are you prepared to sit in an IEP meeting and have the school psychiatrist inform you that your five year old is intellectually disabled and that the waiting lists for adult care when he ages out of school are 10-15 years long?

My child can’t attend most summer camps or recreational activities. Soccer team? Dance? Karate? Only through the special needs programs. He is shunned by typical kids because he is different and doesn’t speak typically. Thankfully he is still young and doesn’t understand the cruelty of the world. Every aspect of our life revolves around him and his care and his future.

There are threads on reddit with stories from other parents of disabled children. I recommend your girlfriend reads them carefully. There are nights where I think about it all too much, where I grieve the loss of my sense of self, where my chest and my throat feel like they’ll collapse from the strain. It is a hard life, and I can’t honestly say I would do it if I’d had the choice.

Bsli −  Yes it is her body and her choice but you also have a choice. You have communicated to her that you are not prepared to raise a severely disabled child, and she has decided to have that child anyway. I would say that you are entirely within your rights to leave.

RainbowTrouts −  Tell her now. There is no other answer. Tell her now while a**rtion is still possible for her. I have a severely disabled child and I am a single mother. It’s not easy and the government barely helps when the other parent isn’t present. She will absolutely ruin her life. She needs a big fat f**king reality check. Having a disabled child means literally giving up everything.

Babysitters for disabled children hardly exist. S** is a thing of the past. Working is almost impossible because of childcare limitations for children with special needs. Diapers for life are pretty common with special needs kids. So hope she’s prepared for that possibility. Friends disappear.

Dating is hopeless because regardless of who you date, IF and it’s a big fat f**king IF they accept that you have a special needs child, you have to worry about if that person is a molester because so many disabled folks are taken advantage of. Tell. Her. Now. If she needs to talk to someone who lives that f**king life, message me.

Almost 8 years now. I’m so poor I can’t even afford a 40 dollar fishing license to get my disabled son and I out of the house instead of being trapped inside from poverty. The s**t isn’t a joke.

I love my son but being the parent of a disabled child means seeing your child suffer. Every day. For the rest of your life. You will see your child suffer. And people need to be aware of it and be aware that this is a f**king possibility when you procreate.. Tell. Her. Now.

bsharp1982 −  A lot of people are being unfair to this guy. I know if I were to ever get pregnant with a downs child, I would get an a**rtion. Luckily I would get that choice since I am a female. He is in an extremely difficult situation and is honest enough to know his limitations. He even said he would be financially responsible for the kid.. Edit: thank you for the silver.

NotThatValleyGirl −  Even if you two had discussed this as a possibility before getting pregnant, there is no guarantee one or both of you would have changed your minds. This is a difficult situation to be sure, but she has a right to carry thr pregancy to term and you have a right to walk away (and pay child support).

But regardless, these are decisions only you and her can make. Sure, you will come across as a scumbag for leaving… But only staying so other people* don’t think you’re a scumbag is also a recipe for misery.

pooter215218 −  Can we get an update OP?

_needy_ −  As someone who works with children with disabilities, I don’t blame you. A lot of the parents have the worry of who is going to take care of their children when they’re not around anymore. A lot of children with down syndrome will always rely on extra help..and if you’re not ready for something like that, you shouldn’t feel like a terrible person.

ggrace3302 −  My parents had a special needs child. I am now taking care of her since my mother is mentally ill and my father died two years ago. It’s hard as hell. I’m only 21 and had to put everything on hold to care for her. I’m still trying to balance a life and caring for her that wont break the bank.

Special needs day care is 25$ an hour where I am located and is over 30min away from my house. SS claims she makes to much for Medicade (1600) a month but over 1000 of that goes into daycare and medical expenses. It. Isnt. Easy. Look at programs around you with GF and let her see if theres anything good at all, and see who’s going to care for the child when you guys ultimately cant.\

Is the Redditor justified in wanting to leave, or is he abandoning his responsibility as a father? Should he reconsider and support his girlfriend emotionally, even if he struggles with the idea of raising a child with special needs? How would you handle such a difficult situation? Share your thoughts below!