My (28M) girlfriend (32F) was laying on the couch and I saw a sent photo on her screen

A Reddit user (28M) shares a troubling moment with his girlfriend (32F) of 4.5 years after noticing a sent photo on her phone. Her sudden reluctance to show him the picture has left him questioning her behavior and whether it signals a deeper issue in their relationship.

‘ My (28M) girlfriend (32F) was laying on the couch and I saw a sent photo on her screen’

Update below. Hello all, this just happened about an hour ago so I’m trying to see if my thinking is in the right place After supper tonight, my girlfriend of 4.5 yrs was having a nap on the couch, so I went to squeeze in a little Xbox before bed. Got off about 45 mins later and she was awake on the couch.

I came over to sit down beside her and saw a sent photo(a selfie of her curled up on the couch) in a conversation, looked to be insta and I said offhand “that’s a good angle can I see it?” she locked the screen and said “I was just trying to take one” and I said “well I saw you take one and send it let’s see it”.

Now Im at about a 2 on the controlling scale, I have never asked to see her phone, never have any problems with any of her socializing etc, she never has an issue letting me use her phone/look or anything, she said no you can’t see it. I said “what do you mean, I just wanna see the pic” and she got up to go to the bathroom and start doing laundry. I walked up to her and said “you realize this is a massive red flag” and she said “I don’t know what you want me to say, why would you think I would cheat on you”

I replied “I never said anything about cheating, I just want to see the picture and the way youre behaving right now is extremely concerning. You’ve never had an issue with me doing any single thing on or with your phone or your laptop, and now you won’t even open up your phone at all” She said “can you please just leave me alone so I can go shower” I replied “so you won’t let me see what the picture was?” and she said no

Now this is all well within her rights, but she has never acted like this whatsoever. There’s never been any significant issues (few small things here and there of course) between us. She does have quite a few male friends but it’s nothing I get jealous over.

Once she was done in the shower, she went straight to bed and I went in and said “this is a very serious thing for me, if you want to deal with this right now we can, but otherwise this will destroy our relationship for me and there’s a very good chance we will not be together by the time next month’s rent is due” and she just said “I don’t know what you want me to say, I didn’t do anything wrong” so I took my pillow and I am on the couch now.

I’ve had issues in the past with ex’s cheating on me, and she knows this. That’s why it’s been great that I’ve not had a reason to worry until this. Just a completely different person during that discussion and I have a very bad feeling in my gut and not sure what to do.

UPDATE: For everyone  about me an update, here it is.

I went into work and told my boss we ran into some possible issues the night before, and I felt like I needed to go home to address them, so I did. I went home and we hashed it out. She didn’t delete the messages, and showed me. It was just as she said. She said she sort of freaked out as she felt I was just coming at her with cheating accusations, she used to have an emotionally abusive boyfriend (I’ve known this from the start) so she just sort of went in lockdown mode.

I believe her, I’ve had no reason to think she would lie to me. During this conversation other issues that we have with one another in the relationship came out, and we hashed those out too. Overall we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and for us as a couple.

As for where the “looking at my back” part came in, she was in the bathroom just before everything happened I guess, taking pictures of her back. She showed me said pictures, and she brought up “why would you think I’m cheating” during the altercation as she thought I knew she was in there, and that I thought she was sending nudes.

For everyone messaging and replying saying how controlling and insecure I am, I get how this post came across that way but it’s just not true. I’ve never asked to see any conversations, snaps, DMs etc in any way other than a “whats so and so up to”. I don’t control who she talks to, where she goes, who she hangs out with, nothing of that sort. It’s just not me.

Frankly I don’t really care, since she’s coming home at the end of the night to me. But when you’re with someone for 4.5 years, living together for 3, you know what normal behavior is and what abnormal behavior is, and this was definitely abnormal. I’m sure a good portion will just think “get a load of this guy” but you’re all entitled to your opinion. Like I said earlier, we both have things to work on, and that includes I guess trying to mentally get over the baggage we both have from previous relationships.

All in all, the messages were nothing to worry about, I overreacted because of the strange behavior she showed due to a previous relationship, and we were both able to bring up things we’d like the other to work on. Perhaps I’m a fool and just got swindled but as of right now I have no reason to believe there is any suspect s**t going on.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

[Reddit User] −  I wouldn’t budge on this personally. The fact that she brought up cheating on her own makes me highly suspicious, plus all the other odd behavior. I would not let this one go. Edit: just want to say OP that I think you’re being really strong and handling this way better than I would. I hope one day I have the ability to walk away from disrespect as easily as you do.

Blobfish_Blues −  So you said her behaviour could spell the end of your relationship, and she just shrugged it off? I’m sorry to say but it sounds to me like she’s already checked out of the relationship. Her cheating on you is a possibility, and it’s up t you if you really want to press her or find proof of that. However, I would start making plans to move out and separate whatever finances or assets you share because this isn’t going to end well.

Nvnv_man −  Red flag, bro. She went on for like an hour being evasive and playing dumb. Continually going to another room. If she had only sent a photo to her mother or her sister, she absolutely would not be behaving that way.. End your lease ASAP. Note for life: when someone is caught red handed and either can’t think of a lie or don’t want to make it worse by having a bad/obvious lie, one go-to phrase is the ol’ standby, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

PleaseBeHappyMate −  If this is a deal breaker for you then it’s a deal breaker. You should feel comfortable in your relationship and secure, and if you don’t feel that then it’s time to leave. To disagree with everyone else, I don’t know if she’s cheating on you. Her behavior is odd, yes, but parts of your post are also odd.

You brought up that cheating is a big thing for you and that she’s aware of this and I’m guessing it’s a very sensitive topic for you based on your reaction. You’ve been together 4.5 years and she lets you see her phone, computer, etc. Is it possible she’s let you do that to placate any insecurity? Is it possible you might be a little more controlling than you let on?

You made a specific comment about not knowing where your relationship would be at by the time next months rent is due. That’s an extreme and manipulative response. You may not see if that way and you may feel justified, but you not only threatened your relationship but also her physical security because she didn’t want to show you her phone. So, I’m somewhat curious why she didn’t immediately react to that if this sort of controlling behavior isn’t something you do often.

It’s entirely possible she’s not cheating and just wants to feel like she can do her own thing without being suspected. It’s also possible shes cheating. I guess what I’m concerned with is the immediate jump you took to the worst possible conclusion and being ready to end a near half-decade long relationship over a postnap selfie. I wonder if there is something else going on but I look forward to the update.

[Reddit User] −  Feels like she’s buying time so she can delete evidence. Next thing you know she’s going to gaslight you tomorrow and say “what picture?! You must of had a bad dream!” Feel free to show her this comment when she does exactly that. 😀

[Reddit User] −  Honestly, this seems really sketchy. I’m not sure why anyone would act like that about an innocent picture. I guess it could be an embarrassing picture or something but I think you should pursue this and find out the truth. Although there’s a chance it could be some silly misunderstanding and I wouldn’t want you to get super upset about something that isn’t a big deal, I agree that it’s a red flag and should be sorted out.

Ellina3 −  Maybe she’s cheating. Maybe you’re controlling in general and she’s had enough.. Both scenarios are possible. Let’s explore the unpopular, less likely one since something tells me that your 2/10 ratio might be a too generous approximation. Why did she mention cheating first?

Because she knows you. She knows you’ve been cheated on before, she obviously knows why you suddenly want her to show you that pic/her phone. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that the motivation behind your request is a suspicion of some illicit behavior going on.. Why didn’t she budge right away? Maybe because you so quickly went from 0 to 100 that you ended up giving her an ultimatum. One could even say you emotionally blackmailed her.

Some people actually have some spine and don’t respond well to that kind of behavior. Tbh if had even a slightly controlling partner with your past and he asked me suddenly to let him see something on my phone, even though he usually has a non password protected access to all my activities, chances are I would become so irritated by it that I would refuse even if I know I did nothing wrong. In fact the fact I did nothing wrong in that case would make me stand my ground even more firmly.

The more insistent he would become the less inclined I would be to show him. And that final ultimatum you gave your gf would probably make me reconsider the relationship too so chances are I’d become dismissive one way or another. But I’m odd. To me the only acceptable level of controlling behavior in a relationship is 0, “everything” I have is password protected even if I’ve never cheated in my life and I’m also stubborn as hell.

reality-bytes- −  I’m going to play devils advocate here since everyone seems to have pretty well convinced you she is cheating. I have never cheated or even entertained the thought of cheated on any partner. I have been in my current monogamous relationship for over 18 years. That said, I can see multiple different ways that this scenario could play out for me, either sending selfies to my sister, my mother in law, or a close girlfriend.

If the context in which any of it was sent was girl talk and potentially embarrassing I would be reluctant to show the goods as well. I hope for your sake what she is up to isn’t as bad as it looks/sounds. Good luck to you. ETA: thank you for my first award.

Albs000 −  So let me understand it well. The main idea of this post is: As I have lots of issues because my ex cheated on me in the past, I’m “trusting” my gf as long as she agrees to show me everything I ask her to. The moment that she doesn’t want to show me a pic it’s a red flag for me and I’m breaking up a 4-year relationship. Men, do both of you a favour, leave her and go to therapy. You don’t trust her, you just didn’t “had a reason to worry until this”. This isn’t trusting at all.

Liscetta −  Unpopular opinion here, based on my own bad experience. You said you aren’t controlling. You said your gf always gave you full access to her electronics even if you never needed to ask. You admit you’re not entitled to see that picture but her denying it raises a red flag. You immediately threatened to break up and she didn’t take you seriously.

My ex was more controlling than he admits. He often wanted to see my phone and considered a red flag the lack of incriminating messages (I removed them). When i said “no you can’t see my phone” he immediately considered it a red flag and threatened to break up, but never broke up. He said not showing him my phone was in my right but he considered it as a deal breaker. My friends brushed it off, telling me to just show him my phone to placate his insecurities because i had nothing to hide. He usually offered to show me his messages in exchange, but i had no interest.

I never denied him the access to hide something. I did it because at a certain point i realized that i didn’t want him to see without a solid reason stronger than his generic suspect, and it was a hill worth dying on. He backed off. He asked again, i refused, he backed off. Even if there were only messages with mom.

What i was trying to say is that it can be true she’s hiding something. But she simply can change her attitude and decide that she doesn’t want to share her private messages with you. If it is the first time you notice something suspect in 4 years keep your eyes open and look for more incriminating behaviour in the next weeks. Ask your common friends if they think you are controlling. And don’t forget that you said that she’s entitled to her privacy.