My (40M) wife (37F) just bought a dog while I was away, despite me repeatedly telling her not to. We aren’t in a financial situation to own a dog. How do I proceed?
A Reddit user shared their frustration about their wife secretly adopting a dog without consulting them first. Despite the user’s concerns about the financial burden and practicality of owning a dog, especially during tough times, the wife went ahead and brought home a Labrador,
much to the daughter’s delight. Now, the user feels betrayed and is stuck between his wife’s decision and his own reservations. To find out more about the situation and how the user plans to navigate this dilemma, read the full story below…
‘ My (40M) wife (37F) just bought a dog while I was away, despite me repeatedly telling her not to. We aren’t in a financial situation to own a dog. How do I proceed?’
Hello R_A, I am the owner of a technology repair shop in a major US city. It’s not part of any large chain, just an independent business. I opened it in my mid-20s, just about a year before I met my now-wife. We have a daughter (10F), and she is our only child. For this story, I’ll call my daughter Erica.
Erica REALLY wants a dog. For the past 2 years, she has been begging my wife and me to get one, specifically a Labrador. She says that it is her “dream” to own one. Whenever she asked me, I told her that we can’t afford it (We seriously can’t. We spend around 90% of our earnings on food/bills/mortgage. My wife is a teacher, so while her salary definitely helps us stay afloat,
it’s not enough to have extra luxuries). I also told her that most dogs, including Labradors, need to be walked every day, and cared for often. She said that “she’ll be able to handle it,” but every kid who wants a dog says that same line, and I don’t think we have enough spare time, money, and energy to dedicate to another living thing in our house. Money is tight.
My wife disagrees. She says that we should let Erica get a Labrador if she really wants one. She claims that Erica has “good grades in school (mostly true), she doesn’t ask for much (debatable), and that it’s Erica’s dream (true).” She’s not lying, but we just can’t afford it.
A few weeks ago, my wife was nagging me that this quarantine would be the “perfect time” to get Erica a dog, and she would have so much time to bond with it since she’s not going to school. So I sat her down and talked about the finances. I explained that it costs, on average, several thousand dollars per year to own the breed Erica wants.
We don’t have that much disposable income. My store has also taken a massive hit from this whole event (my insurance didn’t cover anything at all. F**k them) Also, who would walk the dog every day? Erica is too young to go out by herself (especially during a lockdown). I certainly don’t want to, and I don’t think my wife will want to either.
After I discussed this with her, she seemed a little uneasy about it, but agreed. This past weekend, it was my turn to go the supermarket to buy groceries (my wife and I take turns going out to buy food). Between the driving, parking, and actual shopping, it took around 3.5 hours. I drove home and unloaded the bags into our mudroom.
I then started picking them up to lift to the kitchen, while my wife helped. When I was carrying up my first bag, I got into the kitchen, and what do I see? A f**king Labrador sitting there, staring at me! I was absolutely shocked and livid. “What the hell did you do?” I yelled at my wife. “I told you we can’t afford a dog!”
My wife explained that she got a dog because Erica really wanted one. Erica even named the dog already (Riley). My wife explained that she had been researching local animal shelters behind my back for the past few weeks, not ONCE asking or valuing my opinion on any of this. I’m furious. “How did you adopt a dog AND get the pet supplies that quickly?” I asked.
It turned out that she didn’t actually buy anything except 3 bags of dog food and one food bowl. No bed. No leash. No toys. So she got a dog, but not anything else you need to actually own a dog. I told her that this was ridiculous. WE LITERALLY CANNOT AFFORD TO OWN ANY PET. She told me that I was being “bossy” and “rude”. She is an adult, so if she wants a dog, why can’t she buy one herself?
These are supposed to be mutual decisions. I told her that we had to agree on this together because it’s such a large purchase. I told her that we had to send him back to the shelter immediately. The thing is, Erica seems so connected to Riley. She loves her, and the dog is very playful already, despite only being home for 4 days.
Erica has been asking for a dog for so long. If she finally got one and then has it taken away from her just a week later, she would be absolutely devastated. I told Erica what will have to happen, and she broke down immediately. She says that if I return the dog, she will never speak to me again.
TBH I kind of understand where Erica is coming from, but I just can’t afford the dog. I talked to my wife again about this. She told me that the dog is staying no matter what. I am shocked about how little planning and how much deceit has gone into this. She already paid a $175 adoption fee without asking.
Riley has nowhere to sleep (she just sleeps on the floor) and no toys to play with. My wife and I will not be able to give her adequate care because we just can’t afford it, especially during a national crisis. If Riley ever had a health issue and we needed to visit the vet, we probably wouldn’t be able to afford it (and even if we could, it would be just barely, and we’d have to give up something else we wanted).
I do not want a dog and I do not have the means to care for one. However, there is a dog in my house right now. I have no idea what to do, and I will be fucked over no matter what decision I make. Reddit, please help me do what is best for my family.
See what others had to share with OP:
sunnyfel − A dog is very expensive and it’s not fair to him being in a family that can’t afford him. Imagine if it gets really sick or injured ? That said, and I know you agree with what I wrote before, it seems difficult to give back the dog. The shelter could put you on the banned list for bringing back the dog after adopting him. It’s not the biggest issue.
Your daughter will likely be very angry, I doubt it will last that long but it’s unfair to you when the situation wasn’t created by you. Your wife will also be very angry and if you give back the dog, how do we know she isn’t gonna bring back another dog ?
If I was in your situation, I would keep the dog BUT be very clear to your wife and daughter that because of that decision, there is no vacations, random gifts, outings… because you need to put money to the side in case of dog emergency/to raise the dog.
Also, you need to have a conversation with your wife and say she broke your trust and she is gonna have to gain it back again. Make your daughter and wife take the dog out, clean the mess he makes.. makes it clear to them right now that it’s their responsibility.. Long answer sorry.
StarryEyedBlues17 − Has the dog been vaccinated? Gotta ask, because those get expensive. Toys could be made, a bed could be worked out or not- the thing is, like you say- the financial situation. It’s not fair to the dog if it isn’t getting proper care. I can see you know that. But do you and your wife and daughter all agree what “proper care” entails?
Feeding, training, potty training, cleaning up messes, picking up poop outside, grooming- all of it your daughter needs to be taught how to do if the dog stays for any length of time. The money is between you and your wife. Could be “sorry, we can’t afford those snacks anymore” all the way to “Hate me if you want, but this dog needs better than what we can provide.”
Work out the money, find additional income sources, get rid of the dog- do what you gotta do to survive man. I don’t envy your position in the slightest. Whatever you do isn’t going to be easy. I feel for your daughter, as I remember my first dog (that Dad didn’t like). She slept in my bed. (She was a little dog though) I was 6 when we got her, I think.
I imagine I would feel and say things like your daughter is saying if I were in her place- but I also knew we could afford the dog, and I had to help care for her. If it were framed as “the dog isn’t getting what it needs, and I can’t provide more, so unless someone else can provide these things for her lifetime- it’s selfish to keep it.”
I would have been horribly upset, but I could see understanding that. Best of luck to you, man. Also- labs get big FAST- and training is important in those developmental years. So a decision better be reached soon.
mostchicken − What your wife did was wrong. Decisions like that should be made as a family unit and she went behind your back and made the decision for you (welcome to how 90% of households get a pet). You need to have a sit down conversation with her about how if this is not the last time this happens you will be filing for divorce (or wherever you decide to draw that line).
You also both need to have a follow up conversation with your daughter about how just because she wants something doesn’t mean she gets it, this dog is her responsibility, and this is NOT an appropriate way to make a decision in a marriage/relationship. That being said, I’ve owned dogs my entire life. Half of those 10 dogs have been labs.
They do not cost anywhere near thousands of dollars a year to care for, unless there is a serious medical problem. You can set aside $60 per month for decent quality food. Spend $20 on a dog leash and some toys at the dollar store. Use old Country Crock tubs for food and water for now.
The dog doesn’t need a bed, I’m sure you have plenty of old blankets you can fold up on the floor that he’ll love just as much. I spent $100 on a therapeutic dog bed for my beagle and she still sleeps on the dirty socks. If you don’t want to take the dog back, think of the positives. I believe dogs teach kids a tremendous amount of responsibility, empathy, and respect for other living creatures.
Erica wanted the dog, make damn sure she’s the one who takes care of it. Make her walk him, feed him, bathe him, etc. And you know what? At 10 years old she’s old enough to mow grass, or rake yards, weed gardens, etc. to help contribute to the financial care of the dog. And don’t take it out on the dog. It’s not his fault your wife is an a**hole.
Legiowolf − In all of this I feel most sorry for the dog
AnimateZucchini − I sympathize on the unilateral decision (even though your “no dogs” is ALSO unilateral), but I call b**lshit on the finances. Firstly, if your wife has been teaching for 15 years, her income should be able to cover basic expenses and a (reasonable) mortgage.
She is also almost certainly covering benefits like insurance for your family, and her job offers a generous pension, as well. Even on her own she should be able to pay for a shelter dog, basic food and care, and a decent vet. And you’re implying that she earns less than you?
Which would imply that there’s something screwy about your finances – either you are living well beyond your means, or your business hasn’t been bringing in income. (Which wouldn’t surprise me, because personal electronics are increasingly designed to be un-fixable or only fixable by the manufacturer, and this type of business will be obsolete.)
Secondly, a healthy pet doesn’t cost anywhere near thousands, unless you’re splurging on the fancy stuff. Reasonable dog ownership should be in the hundreds. Thousands are if you’re trying to keep a senior dog with cancer on chemo, or if you’re trying to do dog shows. Thirdly, if you can’t afford an emergency vet trip, exactly how are you guys supporting a child???
Human emergencies cost FAR more. How about college? If you can’t afford a vet trip, you can’t even afford to APPLY to college. By all means, I would hold your wife responsible for paying for the dog, and taking care of it. But past that, I would take a long, hard look at exactly what is going on with your finances and your business.
Children will continue to exist and need education, so I’m not worried about your wife. But where will an independent tech repair shop fit in the picture in 20 years? Maybe it’s time to invest in yourself, to build current skills? Source: engineer and scientist working on strategy
[Reddit User] − I believe, as others have said, there is way more going on here than just the dog, period. While I know I will get lit up for this, I feel the both of them are basically spoiling for a fight. Him with the constant financial talk, and her for just going out and getting the dog. I feel sorry for the dog and the child for having to share their lives with these two people. Either figure out how to get past this, or get a divorce.
Seeking_Support2020 − On the one hand, your wife should not have bought a dog behind your back. On the other hand, I am concerned reading your wording. I’m intepreting that you think that you should have the final say, and never considered compromising with your wife.
It seems like she felt frustrated because she brought the issue up to you multiple times, and you did not try to come up with an compromise or even entertain the idea. It seems like you are very convinced of the story you are telling yourself that you cannot afford a dog.
So much so that you yelled and cursed at your wife (not okay for either gender to yell and curse at each other in a relationship). It seems like she felt like she did not have agency to make choices. You want her to listen to you and only do the things that you say are okay, but you weren’t willing to compromise with her or really consider her side of things.
I felt angry while reading your post. It seems like you think that what you say should be law. This is not okay.
Hitthereset − You claim that this should be a joint decision and yet every paragraph is about how she didn’t listen to your dictates and demands….
WavesnMountains − I would post on Nextdoor and see if anyone in the neighborhood has a used dogbed and toys that you can have for an unexpected rescue from a shelter. I have old cat beds I would happily give away, so I bet someone has an old dogbed
Was the user right to feel upset about the unexpected dog adoption, or should they have been more understanding of their wife’s decision? How would you approach a situation where a major decision is made without your input? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!