[39M] Falsely accused by my wife’s father [67M]. How do we move forward?

A man ([39M]) shares his ongoing struggle with his in-laws after being falsely accused by his father-in-law ([67M]) of sending a malicious email. Despite being exonerated, the father-in-law refuses to apologize publicly, leaving the man estranged from his wife’s ([37F]) family and their lake house gatherings.

His stance on not returning to the lake house without an apology has created tension in his marriage, with his wife feeling torn between her family and her husband. Read on to explore the complexities of this family conflict and how it’s affecting their relationship and children.

‘ [39M] Falsely accused by my wife’s father [67M]. How do we move forward?’

My in-laws [60s] have a lake house. It has a ton of space, it’s a frequent vacation spot, and every holiday is done there. They’ve owned it since before I met my wife [37F].
Four years ago, we were all staying there when my wife’s cousin [37F] got a very foul e-mail. I won’t go into what it said, but suffice to say, it made her cry.

My FIL works in IT. He examined the headers and determined that the e-mail originated from an Android phone and that it was off of the lake house WiFi. My in-laws are Apple users. I am an Android user. My father in law accused me in front of everyone of sending the message.

I denied it, let him search my phone, and told him I would never do that. He found nothing but made a big show of telling me I had attacked his family and that I was banned from his home. He subsequently made a big post on Facebook about how he will always protect his family and how I had violated his home.

My wife now goes there with our kids alone. I have not been there and I have not spoken with my in-laws in four years. We do holidays on a separate day together, and then on the holiday I go with my family and she takes the kids to the lake house. Yes, it sucks.

When asked why I wasn’t there, my FIL told my kids that I do bad things. Over 4th of July week, her cousin got another e-mail from the same address. Once again Android and once again on the lake house WiFi. This time I was 200 miles away. Well, when they checked, the other cousin (1st cousin’s sister) and her kids had Androids.

The kids were bored and sending prank e-mails not realizing they could be traced. My wife called me up, relayed the story, and asked me if I could come down for the rest of the week with the family. I told her that I would love to, and to let me know what day everyone would be there for FIL to make a public apology to me.

She got very quiet and said, “They just want to move forward,” I replied, “I do too, and I will be happy to do so after your father publicly admits to the family that he was wrong, apologizes to me, apologizes to our children, and posts a public apology on Facebook.” My wife started crying and said he’s not going to do that.

I told her that I’m not going to come back to the lake house, that her father made it clear he doesn’t consider me family, and until he makes it right, I am done with her entire family. He essentially wants to pretend like it never happened and make it look like he forgave me and welcomed me back. I am not on board with this.

When they arrived back, I informed her that in the words of her father, I had to protect my family and our children would not be going back to the lake house either. My wife is devastated, begging me to forgive and move on. She says that her parents already feel awful, that they never said I wasn’t family, and now I want to publicly shame and embarrass them.

She says that it’s not fair that I’m asking her to choose between me and her parents. I countered that her parents set up that choice four years ago and she had already chosen. The next lake house trip is Labor Day weekend. I’ve already told her that I will be bringing the kids to my brother’s that weekend for a BBQ and pool party.

My wife has agreed to come with us, but she keeps bringing up the lake house and begging me to reconsider. It keeps ending up with my blood pressure spiking and her crying, so I’ve asked her to stop bringing it up. My wife and I do love each other very much.

This is maybe like 5% of our relationship, but it’s something that has been weighing on me, and I know it’s driving a wedge between us. I have always felt that my wife chooses her parents over me. She says she’s sorry I feel that way but it’s not true.

I told her that in four years she didn’t stand up for me, because she didn’t believe I didn’t do it. She vehemently denies this, saying she’s been trying to get her parents to let me come back since then. I don’t want to unnecessarily shame her father, but making right the damage he did is non-negotiable.

At the same time, my wife is crying every day, she’s not eating, she’s losing weight, and I know this is taking a tremendous toll on her. I don’t want to be the reason she has this much stress and anxiety. How do I address this with my wife without causing a confrontation? How can I ensure that my kids understand the situation without feeling caught in the middle?

Check out how the community responded:

Artneedsmorefloof −  Look up the articles on apologizing and talk with your wife and children about restitution and reparations. When we make mistakes, it is important that we not only take responsibility for our mistake but it is important that we correct it as much as possible.

There are some really interesting studies on it And about how to repair trust in broken relationships. Ask your wife what type of behaviour she wants to model for her children? Does she want your children to be the type of people who acknowledge and fix their errors or the sort who run away and pretend the damage they did doesn’t matter?

Does she want your children to be the type of people who allow people to harm them and just let them keep on harming them? Her father wronged you. He tried to damage your relationship with your children. He refuses to take responsibility for his errors and to correct it as best he could. He has taken no actions to show he repents.

How can you trust he is sincere in his remorse and how can you trust that he won’t do this again? How can you trust he won’t treat your children like this? How can your children trust your wife to stand up and protect them if she will let her parents get away with hurting her husband?

melissa3670 −  If he publicly humiliated you by defaming you, he must be twice as loud in publicly apologizing to you and clearing your name. His behavior was horrible, but the worst sin was defaming you in front of your kids. It’s public shaming when it’s done to her parents, but she’s ok with them doing it to you with no repercussions? She should not be allowing them to disrespect you.

Accomplished_Trip_ −  A man who makes a mistake in public has the responsibility for correcting it in the public.

TwinGemini_1908 −  The apology needs to be just as loud as the disrespect, if not louder. Your wife was wrong to continue going to the Lake House and allowing her father to disrespect you in front of your kids. She can cry a river and you shouldn’t care because she didn’t for four years and now wants to just let it go.

i-love-cupcakes −  Did he publicly shame the kids and ban them from the lake house? Did he do that to their parents? Has he said they are bad people? Your wife has chosen her father’s side this entire time and is continuing to do so.

Letting her father tell your kids that you are a bad person/did a bad thing is beyond crossing the line. Don’t go back to the lake house or let the kids go there until FIL has shown accountability and made his apology as public as his shaming was done.

[Reddit User] −  “she’s not eating, she’s losing weight, and I know this is taking a tremendous toll on her.” Why didn’t she experience the same pain when you were falsely accused and banished from her family’s house 4 years ago?. Stand your ground, OP.

Pippin_the_parrot −  I think confrontation is inevitable. It’s 100% unacceptable that your wife has been letting her dad s**t talk you to your own kids. That’s flagrantly wrong. I suppose your wife has a history of being steam rolled by him and is afraid of what he’ll do if she stands up to him. But that’s doesn’t matter anymore.

She’s gonna been to be a big girl and deal with her dad. I can’t believe she even kept seeing them after the fb post designed to embarrass and humiliate you. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You should make your own post one way or the other. I can it understand why you’re not seething with anger. This nonsense has to stop.

SnooPets8873 −  I’m kind of horrified that your wife not only continued to go to that lake house but took your kids there with her. Even after he told your kids you do bad things?? I think your wife needs counseling to help her work through her relationship with her parents because it’s sounds like her father has controlled her whole family all her life and some part of her is scared to stand as an adult or upset him in any way.

It’s why it feels so normal to her to say you shouldn’t need an apology. In her mind, you are asking her to initiate a conflict and explosion that she has spent a lifetime trying to avoid because her world will end if her parents aren’t happy with her.

Of course she won’t be able to articulate concrete harm, but that’s the point. Instill fear early and deeply and you don’t really have to punish later in life because they’ll never dare risk crossing you.

SquilliamFancySon95 −  It’s insane that your wife would rather make herself ill than just step up and actually do something about the situation.

Complete_Entry −  The only way to move forward is for IT shithead to apologize. Even then, you do not have to accept it. The fact she kept going to the lake house after shithead “exiled” you is horseshit.. F**k the lake house.. She did choose them over you.