[37/m] My husband [37/m] wants to combine our finances further, I want them more separated- please help us find a middle-ground

A Reddit user shares the financial tension between him and his husband of 3.5 years. For most of their relationship, the user has been the primary breadwinner and handled the finances, but now that his husband has a new, higher-paying job, he wants to combine all their finances further.

The user, however, is hesitant due to his husband’s poor money management skills and concerns over taxes. They both want to ensure their finances work, but they disagree on the best approach. Read the full story below for a deeper dive into their financial dilemma.

‘ [37/m] My husband [37/m] wants to combine our finances further, I want them more separated- please help us find a middle-ground’

My husband and I (both 37/m) have been together for 11 years, married for 3.5 years. For the vast majority of our relationship, I have made more than he has and have taken on the responsibility of the bills and rent.

Not only have I made more, but he has had a very spotty history of keeping jobs for long, so finances have always just defaulted to me. When he has a job, his check has been deposited into an account that we both have access to, and has been used mostly for our free spending money,

and he has a separate account for his own saving and free spending; while mine was kept separate and used exclusively for bills and groceries, with the occasional small or large purchase of my own. Whenever his account would dip, or he wanted to buy something extra, or whatever,

I would always take money from my own savings and give it to him, so there really has never been a situation where he has “gone without”, even if/when his own funds were gone. Two years ago, I had a life event happen which caused me to take a much lower paying job than I have ever had, throwing our finances into chaos,

and requiring him to help in ways he’d never been asked to before. While my checks have been enough to cover most of the bills, I have now needed him to cover a few and help with groceries, and most of our fun money was coming from donating plasma and the like.

During this, our check situation had remained the same: mine being untouchable and his in the joint. Again, this being because mine is for rent, so it is crucial to remain as whole as possible; while his are for the smaller bills and more flexible in use.

Recently, he got a new job where he will be making more (a paycheck) than me, and is now saying that my money needs to also be placed into the joint account so he has full view and access to all the funds. I said that it would be better that he has his check deposited into his own, separate account,

and that we use the joint account solely for the bills, having our rent and bills evenly split, and paid into that account where we can both see it and its activity, but allowing our extra money to be separate. Part of why I have always been reluctant to combine our money is that he is terrible with it.

He struggles to pay bills, and kinda has a spending problem, but I haven’t done anything to help this since I have always been able to cover the costs. But now we are both very poor, so spending is very tight.

Another issue is that this new job is a contract job that doesn’t take out the taxes, and he is not listening to me when I tell him he must set aside at least 20% for taxes, which I am afraid he still will not do, which will basically be hurting us come April.

I really, really do not want to combine our incomes. I feel that if we split the bills and rent evenly, and placing that into the account we both have access to, then having our accounts separated otherwise should not be a problem.

He, however, says that I am making things unnecessarily difficult and that we should combine them like every other married couple. He says this is his only option, and will not consider my option, especially since he makes more money (but really does not) than me.

See what others had to share with OP:

MLeek −  You’ve backed yourself into this corner by trying to be kind to your low-financial-literacy partner. You covered his ass for years, so well, he didn’t even know. Now he thinks he did a great job managing the money, when he didn’t do the bare minimum most adult must, and you regularly bailed him out.

Your system before wasn’t wise or fair, but it’s created the dynamic you have now. Keeping separate account only seems “difficult” to someone who had ignored the work you were doing to keep his life simple and carefree.

Strongly encourage therapy — individually, on your own — to talk about how and if you want to rebuild trust with your husband. This isn’t about finances. This is about the fact you don’t trust him with money. And you shouldn’t trust him right now. That’s reasonable.

You have had a marriage where he was never expected to earn that trust and had no opportunities to learn to show good judgment. You can’t even trust this man to pay his damn taxes, and not dip into rent or savings, so no. No joint account of all funds in that situation.

You need to figure out what financial risks you are willing to take in this relationship, as that trust get built. It is perfectly reasonable that the risk of putting all your money isn’t a shared account is not one you’re willing to take right now. You also need to be clear that in this situation there is no ultimatum from him.

The money doesn’t go anywhere you don’t want it too, until a judge or the tax man get involved. He can say all he wants “he won’t accept it”, but the only power he has over you here, is divorce. He can’t force you to deposit all your money in a joint account, his acceptance is irrelevant.

Lunoko −  Why on earth would you marry someone like this? Don’t budge. He will jeopardize your living situation. He can’t be trusted and he has demonstrated this. He just wants as much money available for his own wants. If he actually starts the process of divorce over this, then that would be a blessing in disguise, honestly.

But he is absolutely bluffing and is just trying to manipulate you. He has got it made. He knows this but still wants more. Don’t be surprised when he gets fired again and he spent all the rent and bills on superfluous things he doesn’t need. He might add more debt in your name that you would be responsible for.

This is why you should start the process of divorce. Don’t let him drag you down with him. At the very least, stand your ground and call out his bluff. Stop giving him fun money.

Inconceivable76 −  Right now, you have avoided doing the hard work and having the hard conversations. The time for that should stop.
What you need to do-  have all the hard conversations. Set an ironclad budget.

Talk about his impulse control with money.  His spotty contribution to your joint life. Priorities. Long term goals.  Then you structure your accounts to align with your joint budget and goals. 

-Avacyn −  You guys need to sit down and actually do a budget on your combined income. Write down all the costs. From discretionary fun spending, grocery spending per month to things like the 20% tax and replacement costs for stuff like prescription glasses or whatever.

Decide for each spending category if it’s something from your own account or from the shared account. You need to see if your budget aligns with your income and if not, what to cut. It will also let you know how much each can keep in term own account to cover fun spending and bills, and what can be transferred to the shared account.

You guys could use something like You Need A Budget (YNAB) on the shared account. With YNAB you use an envelope system where you assign x money to x category (groceries, a specific bill etc).

The magic and why I think it might help for your partner is that EVERY transaction that happens on the shared account will be recorded in this app and you need to declare which category the money is taken out off.

This will allow you to keep a grip on the budget and will make your partner be transparent in their spending. If your grocery budget is running low.. Well, guess you guys are eating rice and beans for the remainder of the week.

darkBlackberryHaribo −  Maybe it is just the wording, but this seems such a toxic behavior. Now that he is making more money than you, he wants things to change….why? Was there an agreement between you two saying that tho one who earns more decides?

Impressive-Love6554 −  OP you’re missing a few key elements here. 1. You’re not on the same page as your partner regarding money, goals, philosophies, etc. nothing you can do will fix things until you’re aligned. There’s a reason infidelity is the number one reason for divorce, and finances are number two.

2. Even if you separate your finances, if you divorce in most states, they’re immediately reconnected into a joint pot. So if he runs up debts while you save money, guess what you get some of his debt, and he some of your saved money.

You need to come to an agreement on this, either together or in therapy, or seriously think about where the relationship is headed. That sounds severe, but again money the number two reason for divorce.

Vegetable_Humor5470 −  We, a couple of 21 years and married for 14, have a joint account to pay bills from and then our own accounts to manage as we see fit. We now make around the same amount so we split bills 50-50.

But we’ve had periods where we’ve split via ratio of income (ie they make 30% more they put more in, I make 50% more its 70-30 split, etc…) For unexpected or larger purchases we discuss how to pay for them.

We also have regular, like quarterly maybe, discussions on our financial status and what we see coming down the line we need to prepare for (roof, vacation, unemployment,  retirement) so we know our footing. I just wanted to share because of the “typical married couples merge ” comment. 

cloverthewonderkitty −  You need to do two things – 1. Sit down and review your finances and then create a budget that includes individual and shared savings/spending accounts. Your paycheck is deposited into your individual accounts and his paycheck is deposited into his individual accounts.

2. Create 3rd and 4th shared accounts. You each put what is deemed fair (either 50/50 split or percentage based on income split) to pay for bills into the 3rd account – plus 10% for unexpected emergencies.

The 4th account is a high yield savings account which you each contribute a percentage of your salary into for your emergency fund/future goals. The remaining money from your paychecks stays in your individual accounts. The right way to handle finances in a marriage is the way that works.

Combined finances don’t work for every situation, and can lead to arguments and resentment. The above plan is helpful for couples with different income levels and understanding of financial literacy, taking care of the basics while also allowing for independent funds and discretionary spending.

TheUrbanBunny −  He’s a spendthrift. He has no financial understanding and feels that it’s *his* financial alpomb that’s kept y’all afloat.
You need a spreadsheet and write up detailing what you’ve been doing. . He still won’t like it. But from his reaction you’ll know if he’s a reasonable man with critical thinking skills or an i**ot.

holliday_doc_1995 −  You have made some really poor financial choices. You have sat by while your husband spends frivolously and have not addressed financial issues before now. The whole point of savings accounts are to accrue money to use in unforeseen circumstances.

Now your unforeseen circumstances have hit you in the face and you don’t have your ducks in a row. You and your husband should have sorted financial things long ago.

Your entire paycheck shouldn’t be going to rent. If you need to downsize then do so. If you have to donate plasma to have money to do things, then you should be completely overhauling your financial setup

Finding the right balance between financial independence and shared responsibility is tricky, especially when there are differing money management habits. Do you think the user’s concerns about combining finances are valid,

or is their husband right in wanting full transparency? How would you approach blending finances in a relationship when one partner has more experience managing money? Share your thoughts below.