2nd UPDATE – WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?

Think of this less as an update and more as a chance to vent a few things now that I’ve had more time to process my situation. First, please read my 2 previous post.
Original post: https://aita.pics/EVavz
Update post: https://aita.pics/fsgxu

‘ 2nd UPDATE – WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?’

I know that Emily often travelled back and forth to the UK during our marriage. She claims her affair with Jake only began in March 2024, but I’m convinced she’s lying. It’s almost certain that this has been going on for years. Given how much she had already prepared by the time I confronted her, it’s become clear to me and everyone else that she had been planning this for some time.

In fact, within a few short days of our confrontation, she already had certain legal documents prepared. Additionally, Jake arriving in Canada shortly after I confronted Emily, made it clear that they had planned for her to tell me roughly around this date in advance.

It makes sense that Emily was well prepared and was just waiting for things to be better lined up for herself. After all, she’d long since applied for her visa, secured a job, secretly appraised her car (our family car, though it was under her name), and sent personal items with Jake to the UK during his secret visits, all right under my oblivious nose.

I have a feeling I’m only scratching the surface and have no real idea of how far this actually goes, not that Emily would ever tell me its depth. In addition to all of this, Emily had already been in touch with her lawyer long before I confronted her.

Taking all this into account, it’s hard not to wonder if she secured her job even earlier than she let on, perhaps to make her actions seem less calculated. Two of Emily’s friends have since reached out to express shock and disappointment by her actions.

One of them, Janet, mentioned that according to another friend, Emily had been consulting her divorce lawyer as far back as late August or early September, and this other friend also confirmed my suspicion that Emily had been sending some of her belongings to the UK during Jake’s visits.

I’ve been losing sleep, replaying the past few months in my mind, maybe driving myself a little crazy, but certain things stand out. For example, when Emily went to the UK in August for the wedding, she was carrying three fully loaded suitcases. She told me that they were filled with presents for her friends and I didn’t question it, even though it seemed a bit excessive at the time.

When I picked her up from the airport after her trip, I noticed the bags were suspiciously light. I can assume that in addition to the job interview she claimed to attend, she transported a bunch of her personal items to the UK which would explain why since her return, she seemed to have been wearing a smaller selection of her clothing.

Despite this, I was somehow blindsided, and I completely blame myself. Looking back, I can see there were signs I ignored, and I guess I didn’t think Emily was capable of this sort of thing. A part of me wonders if this outcome could have been avoided entirely had I been more assertive and vigilant in the past. The worst part of all is that my children are now dealing with the consequences of my ignorance and stupidity. While I twiddled my thumbs, my wife had essentially started a new life.

Most people in my life now know about my separation from Emily. I’ve stopped wearing my wedding band, and I’ve explained the situation to friends and colleagues who noticed its absence. One of my close friends, and many others who reached out privately on Reddit, have suggested I get DNA tests for the children, given Emily’s travel patterns and tendency to lie. While I understand where they are coming from, this is something I’ll never do. I’d never assign my children to another man. Nothing will change that.

Life without Emily has thus far been difficult. Mornings have become a hectic rush; between getting the kids ready and getting myself out the door, I’m barely on time for work for nearly half the week. It’s frankly exhausting trying to keep up with all the extra parenting duties I have to perform throughout the day. Our current home has a large driveway, so on top of everything else, I’m already dreading the task of shovelling it once the snow starts falling.

The kids are feeling the strain, as well. They don’t particularly like the food I prepare most days and they hate how I’m always busy. It’s incredibly frustrating to know that while we’re here struggling, Emily recently departed for a relaxing vacation through Europe with Jake. Communication between us has dwindled, and I only learned of these developments recently. I have no idea if she plans to return to Canada after her vacation or settle directly into what will likely be a very comfortable life in the UK.

On a more positive note, I was able to get the kids to see their doctor recently. She gave me a bunch of useful resources and advice. She placed an emphasis on how time and clear communication were the most important factors for their adjustment. While I’m optimistic, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. It’s still early, I know, but they remain quite upset about the entire ordeal and act out regularly as a result. It is abundantly clear that they’re having a hard time adjusting to our new reality.

Throughout all of this, my family has been a tremendous support. My mother arrived as promised early last week, and things have already become significantly easier. The kids enjoy her cooking and spending time with her. Her presence has also freed me to handle other tasks.

Whenever the divorce is finalized, I plan to designate my eldest brother and sister-in-law as legal guardians for the children. They live relatively nearby and have already agreed to take on that role if needed, which brings me some peace of mind. However, I highly doubt this will be any time soon given my much busier schedule and Emily dragging her feet before travelling, the whole process has slowed to a snail’s pace.

One of the hardest aspects of all this has been making decisions about our family home. After considerable thought and speaking it over many times with my family, I’m leaning towards selling at this stage. Emily has already offered me a bit more than half of the proceeds since she sold our SUV right before leaving the country.

My lawyer has noted that selling the SUV before we finalized anything was premature on her part, considering I contributed significantly (40%) to the purchase. He thinks I have strong grounds to seek reimbursement elsewhere in our asset division, which aligns with Emily offering more of the house. Getting more than half seems fair, given that I contributed about 65–70% of the down payment and monthly mortgage payments.

As I mentioned above, the family SUV was registered in only her name. However, I covered about 40% of its cost, so it’s frustrating she sold it unilaterally. As I’ve learned over the past several weeks, my sedan is too snug for the kids and inconvenient for my mother to duck in and out of when she runs errands. Therefore, I’ll need to trade it for something larger. In return, Emily has ‘graciously’ insisted I keep the furniture and appliances, least she can do, I suppose.

As much as part of me would like to stay in our current home, it’s probably better for us to move. Part of me hopes this will help us avoid future interference from Emily, though, in reality, she’s just as likely to interfere no matter where we are. I’ve been looking at townhouses closer to my place of work, which would cut down my commute and place us near a well-rated school.

However, my sisters brought up that moving the kids now would mean changing schools and losing their friends, which would be yet another big change for them. An alternative option is that we move to a smaller, more manageable house close to our current one. This would reduce my workload and allow the kids to stay at the same school. Regardless of which option we choose, the idea of a new home without Emily’s memory is appealing.

Our current home’s location is yet another example of how foolish and short-sighted I’ve been. Its location was much more convenient for Emily’s commute compared to my own. It worked out for a time as the children’s school was close to Emily’s work in case they needed her during the day, but now all of this is useless as my place of work is rather far.

I’ve heard nothing from Emily’s family, and frankly, I have no interest in reaching out. As for Emily’s future with Jake, I don’t wish her relationship to fail; the longer her life is stable, the less likely she’ll disrupt ours. But I take solace in knowing she remains unaware of Jake’s infidelity history. I don’t feel any moral obligation to warn her about Jake’s character, and Eleanor feels the same way.

I’ve made a point to check in on Eleanor regularly. She doesn’t have the same family support I do. Her immediate family is charmed by Jake’s ample wealth and believes that she should do whatever it takes to keep him, even though it is clear that neither he nor Eleanor wants reconciliation.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Leather_Bag5939 −  Long view: Emily is absolutely setting herself up for a massive fail. She will miss her kids and they will hate her. She will try really hard in ten years to reconnect with them and she will fail. She will then tell you maybe this was all a big mistake. When that day comes I truly believe you will be able to smile at her and say, “actually, that was the best day of my life!”. THAT is the day you win.. F**K EMILY.

gdrom123 −  I’m sorry you and your children have to go through this because your ex wife decided to be selfish. I wish you all (not Emily or Jake) the best of luck.. Updateme.

chez2202 −  I just read all 3 of your posts and apart from your wife being a truly unlikeable person, one thing REALLY stood out. Her AP doesn’t want to have anything to do with your children because they are not his and your wife has agreed to you having custody with her having very limited visitation of HER OWN biological children. BUT. He is fighting for FULL CUSTODY of his own children.

He expects your wife to be ok with leaving her children but wants to have his own children live with them full time. I already know that you and your children are better off without someone who will put another man before her own husband and children. But to actually support someone who is trying to take his children away from their mother when HE is responsible for ending their relationship makes her just as morally bankrupt as he is.

Goidelica −  I’m so sorry, man. Nobody deserves that pain. I’ve been carrying it around with me for fifteen years. I hope you’re luckier than I am an meet someone new. Cheaters are the lowest of the low. She’s abandoning her own kids for his. Not a soul to be had.

Disastrous_Hippo_364 −  Give Emily 6 months and she will be back once Jake has gotten bored of the fact that he is now in a committed relationship and not a deceitful and “exciting” affair. He will find a new side-piece. Emily is silly for thinking she is any different.

She is really going to feel like a POS when she realizes she abandoned her literal children and entire livelihood over this. Make sure you discuss this possibility with your lawyer and ensure that even if she DOES want to come back, that it would be in the best interest of the kids for her not to be a part of their lives, due to the a**ndonment issues they will have to work through.

Don’t feel bad. Don’t give in and give her another chance for sake of the family. She made her bed, she can sleep in it. Besides, bringing her back may give these poor kids false hope, and you don’t want to put them in another situation where they are going to feel abandoned all over again.

Take the child support. Even if YOU don’t want it, you can put it in a savings account for the kids that they can use for school or for a house/car/resources to use when they grow up. Or use it for a good family therapist for you and the kids. They will most definitely need to talk to someone and realize that none of this is their fault and that they absolutely do not deserve this. You are doing the best you can by these kids and one day they will realize this.

TaiwanBandit −  Don’t beat yourself up for what she is – a c**ater. Cheaters are experts at lying and deceiving. You trusted her with your back and she stuck a sword in it. Moving to a townhouse or similar that provides outside maintenance would take a load off of you.

Your kids are struggling now but should adjust in time. If you don’t have to disrupt their school year would be beneficial for them. Have them meet with a therapist. As for your STBXW I hope and expect karma, or whatever we want to call it, will eventually find her. Sorry you are going through this OP. Take it day by day for now. Better days ahead.. updateme.

WatchOutForSneks −  I’m aware you said you don’t want her to pay child support, but I hope she does! Every cent she pays to those kids is money she won’t be able to enjoy using on her affair partner.  It sounds like you’re working miracles under terrible circumstances. Eventually your kids will adjust to their mother’s absence and see that you are a wonderful father. 

nicog67 −  Frankly, what a stupid woman. Im sure her relationship will last with the serial c**ater. Or maybe shes the one that will cheat again 🤔 In the long run, your kids will be better off not having the influence of such a person. In the short term though, they will probably suffer. Hopefully, once theyre a bit older, they will firmly grasp with conviction that none of this was their fault and they were simply unfortunate to be birthed by her.

bucketsofpoo −  f**k Emily. hope she has a horrible experience. fight for the house homeboy.

Mother_Search3350 −  Of all things.. It’s how she easily walked away from her own children, even striped them of the most basic need, the ability to get to and from school. She has to be the most  self serving selfish POS human I have heard of even on Reddit. She is a s**iopath, and however hard things get, remember that you and your kids are much better off without her in your lives. Wishing you and your kids healing and strength.