(24m/ 23f) I think my boyfriend is trying to be successful so he can eventually have a big breakup speech about how I never believed in him?

A woman (24F) is feeling concerned about her boyfriend (24M) and the changes she’s noticing in his behavior. After four years together, she feels that he might be using his newfound motivation to prove a point to her about his capabilities,

possibly preparing for a breakup speech about how she never believed in him. While she wants to support him, she’s unsure if her efforts are enabling him or if he’s simply trying to compete with her success.

‘ (24m/ 23f) I think my boyfriend is trying to be successful so he can eventually have a big breakup speech about how I never believed in him? ‘

I know this might sound crazy, but I’m starting to feel like I’m on to something. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and living together for three. We’re both young, and I think that’s an important detail—especially since I don’t want to break up with him and there’s no solid indication that he wants to break up with me.

The issue is, he’s 24 and doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He works a dead-end job, and while I understand that most 24-year-olds don’t have it all figured out, he’s also not putting in any effort to change his situation. He hates his job, but he doesn’t take any steps to improve it.

There are plenty of similar jobs or training programs in our area that could help him advance, but he doesn’t even try to pursue them. Whenever I bring up career opportunities or training programs, he leaves it to the weekend or ignores it altogether.

On occasion, I find job postings or programs that might excite him, and I offer to apply together, but he never follows through on his own. He’s always telling me I don’t believe in him or think he’s capable of getting a career, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I just think he’s stuck in a negative mindset that’s preventing him from moving forward. I don’t see him as less than me, but I do think he views me as the “norm” and not the “outlier” in terms of career success. For me, it’s frustrating to see him stuck when I know he has potential.

But here’s the part that’s really worrying me: Over the last month, he’s shown a sudden surge in motivation. He’s started going to the gym every day for hours, working on my laptop to study and apply for jobs, and he’s stopped playing games on his Xbox.

While I’m happy to see him motivated, it feels like a drastic change, and I can’t help but feel like there’s more to it. I’ve noticed that his YouTube account is filled with motivational videos, many of which feature themes about becoming successful and breaking up with your girlfriend because you’ve outgrown her.

These videos seem to validate his belief that I don’t believe in him, which I definitely don’t want to do, but it almost feels like he’s trying to get to a place where he can tell me “I told you so.”

To be honest, it feels like he’s trying to compete with me to prove he’s better, and I worry that he’s going down the path of seeking validation through a “revenge glow-up” instead of working on his own happiness and personal growth.

The thing is, I’ve been through the grind he’s starting, working long shifts, studying, and dealing with stress to the point where it hurt my health. I don’t want that for him.

I genuinely want him to be happy and healthy, but I don’t think he’s approaching things in a healthy way. He might be doing this out of a need to prove something to both himself and me, but I don’t think this path is going to bring him fulfillment.

So, I’m feeling lost. Have I been doing too much by trying to help him? What should I do to make sure he’s taking care of himself, and how can I support him without enabling this cycle of self-doubt and competition?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Olymbias −  Why are you with a project more than with a person ?

Sea_Boat9450 −  Why don’t you just beat him to the punch and break up with him. Expect more out of the guys you date

rembrandtismyhomeboy −  Pour all this energy into yourself instead of someone who actively dislikes or even hates you.

Blyndde −  Is this really the best you think you can do? Is this really the type of person you want to invest time and effort into? You get one life, and cannot get time back. Invest your time wisely.

Champion_Flight −  Holy revenge fantasy in the making, Batman! Your boyfriend isn’t just drinking the toxic masculinity Kool-Aid – he’s doing keg stands of it. Those “motivational” videos aren’t motivation – they’re emotional porn for guys who think success is about proving their ex wrong instead of actually growing as a person.

He’s been marinatingg in content that basically screams “get rich and d**p her to show her she was wrong about you” while you’re over here… *checks notes*… actively trying to help him succeed? The irony is THICC here.

You’re literally supporting his growth while he’s fantasizing about throwing it in your face. Here’s the thing that’s really messed up: He’s rewriting your entire supportive relationship into some kind of villain origin story. You’re sending him job links and offering to apply together,

but in his head, you’re the doubting girlfriend who needs to be proven wrong. He’s literally creating conflict where there isn’t any just to fit this redemption arc he’s scripted for himself. Listen up – this isn’t about success or self-improvement.

This is about a guy who’s so deep in his own insecurity that he’s turned your support into persecution. The fact that he’s watching breakup revenge porn while you’re trying to help him build a better life? That’s some next-level self-sabotage mixed with main character syndrome.

Stop walking on eggshells around his fragile ego. You’re not “doing too much” – he’s doing too little with what you’re offering. His sudden motivation isn’t concerning because it’s different – it’s concerning because it’s fueled by spite instead of self-love.

Do you really want to keep supporting someone who’s secretly casting you as the villain in his success story?

lordmwahaha −  He’s not watching self improvement videos. They’re misogynistic propaganda thinly veiled as self improvement. I’ve stumbled across them myself. He doesn’t want to be successful for him – he wants to be successful so he can put you, a woman, in your “rightful” place.

woolencadaver −  What happens from hereonin in terms of his success or how he is using spite to achieve it is his problem. It’s not yours because he is firmly casting you as the bad guy and using toxic masculine BS to motivate him.

The trust in your relationship is over. He has decided to use your love and support, twist it against you and fantasizes about hurting you. He wants to use you to get there, then trample you. He’s looking forward to it.

He can’t motivate himself to succeed so instead he is forcing competition into your relationship and looking forward to crowing over it. He plans on hurting you. You can’t stick around to let him treat you like s**t and he has absolutely no interest in self examination. This man does not like you.

Don’t stay with someone who obviously doesn’t like you. And definitely don’t have s** with him or clean up after him. Or pay for him. He needs to understand there are repercussions to his actions. You don’t have to tell him you’ve seen his searches.

Unless he agreed what he was doing was fucked up and got therapy to address it, immediately, I’d consider the relationship over. Don’t give him the satisfaction. He’s trying to make a fool of you to make himself feel better.

This man is empty and has nothing to offer you. You’ve been a convenience. That’s not good enough. You have a lot to offer to someone who would appreciate it.

docileboy −  There is this trend on TikTok right now where women are talking about the behavior they only realized after breaking up that ended up being red flags for their male partner hating them. This sounds like one of those anecdotes.

Embarrassed_Wrap8421 −  He’s got a lot of growing up to do, and he’s never going to do it while you’re there, holding his hand. If you are looking for a future with an adult partner, whose ego is intact and who owns a measure of self-confidence, this guy is not that person

Suspicious_Egg_1516 −  Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you or even like you. He sounds like a toxic parasite redpiller. D**p!

How should she navigate this complex situation? How can she support her boyfriend’s growth without enabling unhealthy patterns? Share your thoughts and advice below.