[17 Female], My dad was about to beat up my mom, so I called the cops on him secretly, even though they had calmed down.

A Redditor (17F) shares a difficult situation where her dad was about to beat up her mom, and she secretly called the cops on him, even though things had calmed down by the time the authorities arrived. Her mom lied to the cops, saying nothing happened, but they still took her dad in for the night to ensure her safety.

The Redditor is now feeling guilty about her actions and worries about the potential consequences for her relationship with her parents, as well as whether her dad will change after spending time in jail. Read the original story below for more details.

‘ [17 Female], My dad was about to beat up my mom, so I called the cops on him secretly, even though they had calmed down.‘

My dad was about to beat up my mom, throwing a few hits, it felt very very wrong to me so I (17F) scretly called the cops on him. He had done a few hits and my mom did scream a lot, and she went to a different side of the house. They did scream at eachother for a bit and she said she was going to stay at grandmas for the night,

and I thought this would ahppen, but by the time this happened the cops had come. My mom and dad were both interviewed and they did realise she had facial marks, which my mom lied about and said nothing happened. They did not or my dad when they said nothing happpened,

and they took in in for the night to keep my mom safe. 1) Should I feel guilty over this, I knew my mom was probably safe at the end as they did calm down, but there was a chance of a futher beating (unlikley)?

2)Is it likley that my parents think a neighbour called, as I think my dad will beat the crap out of me if he finds out, do neighbours call the cops on these things? 3) Will this be a wake up call for my dad, do people realise something is wrong once they get “a night in a cell” and try to change themselves?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

SolAnise −  OP, if you haven’t yet, make sure you delete the record of that call from your phone: take what steps you need to to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. As other people here have already told you, no, this is not normal and not okay. You did the right thing, even if your mother is in too deep to end the cycle of abuse when an opportunity was presented.

seaglassnsorcery −  If he already beat her then she wasn’t “safe”, you did the right thing. Just be careful next time it happens, make sure you’re safe too if something escalates

throwawayd4326 −  I knew my mom was probably safe at the end. She’s not safe as long as she’s in an abusive relationship. You did the right thing.

Soundtheory34 −  No, you should not feel bad. This is actually exactly what you should have done. If your parents haven’t said anything or taken any anger out on you, it is very likely that they already assume a neighbor called the cops which yes, is very common especially if an argument or noises can be heard from the neighbors house.

However, your safety is your priority so if you ever feel calling the cops will put you in danger, you should first secure yourself in a safe place (for example somewhat ironically, running to the neighbor’s house and making the call there).

Also, At seventeen based on where you live and the laws there, you may be able to emancipate yourself and leave home before you turn eighteen. This may be worth pursuing if you feel you are under threat of violence.

not40y3t −  Never, ever feel bad about calling for help. Ever. This is exactly what you should do. She wasn’t safe and neither were you. Thank you for being so brave.

[Reddit User] −  \ as I think my dad will beat the crap out of me if he finds out, Has your dad beat you before? You should consider going to police station and explaining your past experiences and your fears. If you aren’t ready to file charges, you can tell them taht you just want to get advice.

One thing they can do is to put your home phone # and your cell # on the list of calls to respond urgently to if you ever need to call 911. And they may have some good advice about keeping yourself safe. If you are really likely to get hit prepare an exit strategy.

Can you get out your window? Is there a way to get out if dad blocks the door? Can you tell when things are escalating? If so, leave early on in the escalation, don’t wait for him to start hitting. Call the national domestic violence hotline and you will get a ton of good advice for this situation. 1-800-799-7233

[Reddit User] −  CONGRATULATIONS. You are a superstar human being. You know better than us how hard this is. Of course you did the right thing. Imagine you didn’t call the police, they calmed down, and next week while you were away he put her in the hospital. You are wonderful Bless you.

Sengachi −  First off, I cannot recommend enough that if you have these questions you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is considered *the* book to read if you have questions about abuse and need help. It’s available for free online (just Google for the PDF) and I’ve never found a library without multiple copies.. That said-

1) No, there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about this. You did not do anything to cause anyone harm, you acted in the interest of preventing harm. 2) Neighbors do call cops about this stuff all the time, or even random passerby. However if you’re worried your dad will attack you if he thinks you’re responsible, *take precautions*.

First send yourself an email saying what you did and that you think your dad might retaliate if he finds out, if he does retaliate that will streamline the process of getting help or going to the police afterward a *lot*. Second, tell a friend what’s up and make arrangements with their family to be able to stay the night (or two) on short notice (most half-decent parents will do so).

Leave a couple change of clothes, a toothbrush, some toiletries, etc. In other words, make sure that if your dad does attack you you have a way to both get out of the situation and then back up your side of the story later.

3) No. Lundy Bancroft, the author of book mentioned above, is one of the foremost experts in the world in treating abusers so that they stop being abusers. With his decades of experience, he gives at most a 10% ‘fix’ rate for abusers who spend *years* in a specialized abuser program.

His advice, and the advice of every psychologist I’ve ever met who deals with abuse, is to not expect abusers to change. Improvements are almost always conditional or temporary, changes in behavior are just replaced by other types of abusive behavior, and it is just in general healthiest to assume that abusers will never change and that you need to live your life without the expectation that they will get better.

Lastly, I would recommend calling a women’s domestic violence shelter for advice. (You can find the numbers of local ones on google). You don’t have to take any drastic legal actions or flee there or anything, nothing so serious as that.

But those shelters have people who understand these situations very well and can give you good advice. If you’re looking for advice about your situation, the people you will talk to there are far better equipped to help you than Reddit is.. Good luck. I wish you the best.

The_Enclave_ −  You are a hero. You shouldn’t feel bad for it. You just wanted to protect your mom. It takes a lot of bravery to do something like that.

dinascully −  You did the right thing. This isn’t normal and your dad made the decision to be a dangerous abusive person. He needs to face the consequences of that.

This situation is incredibly complex and emotionally charged. The Redditor’s actions were driven by a desire to protect her mom, but now she’s questioning herself. Do you think calling the cops was the right thing to do, even though the situation had calmed down? And do you think her dad will realize the gravity of his actions after being arrested? Share your thoughts below.